Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
How naked do you want me to be?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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