He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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