Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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