Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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