He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
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Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
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Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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