They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
