shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
Randomize
