so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
