he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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