i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
