So drunk its hurt
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
He's got that kind of dick that just MAKES me cheat on my boyfriend. It deserves a trophy. Really you should give it ride sometime.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Randomize
