Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
