Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
How weird would it be for me to get 1 hour photos printed at CVS of my partially or all nude?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
Randomize
