Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
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