On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Today I'm playing this game called how physically long can I Lay in this one spot before moving, do you have an estimated time of departure?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Can you bring me the toilet please
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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