She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
no you cant smoke seaweed
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
