dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear
gross she's a slut
yea she doesn't shave either
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
Cookies and nudity, all you need in life
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
