just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I am available for nakedness
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
