I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
