Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
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