I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Randomize
