hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
Green mimosas i think yes
Yea my vagina was pretty pissed at me for not taking advantage of the situation...
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I'm making him come over again tonight. I don't know how long this thing will last so I want to spend as much time with his dick as possible.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Randomize
