just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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