Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
