so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
Randomize
