I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize