Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
