I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just want to make out with him forever
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
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