the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
they need to just BURY HIM!
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Is this a Beer, Vodka or Whiskey kind of problem solving night? It's imperative I stock accordingly.
Questions like that are why I love you.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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