Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
