He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
