i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
All I want to do is get high and needlepoint. Fuck your judgement
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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