You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
