Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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