good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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