I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
