In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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