I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
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