I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
