I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
