Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
