Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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