Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
