It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
They have one of those claw machines here... with a dildo in it...
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
