i jhust puked up my retainher.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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