I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
