My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
Randomize
