don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
