Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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