If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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