when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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