I cut my penus on the lid.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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