haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
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