When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
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So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You dont lie about slip and slides
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
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Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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