If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
