I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
