I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
