For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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