I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
