Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
Randomize
