well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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