Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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