You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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