Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Randomize
