I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
two words...techno handjob
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I hope your face alive. Lemme know if you are breathing in the morning. If not. Whoever is reading this tell me when the funeral for this awesome mother fucker is and we will rage at that event. Kthanksbye
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
